The Pretty Blerd Guardian!

Happy Thursday, everyone!

I’m sorry everyone for disappearing for a few weeks like that. I just recently recovered from my last doctor’s visit so I’m up and ready to start writing again! There might be a few complications in between depending if I’ll need surgery in the future but at least this time I’m going to be more prepared.

I also took a step back to address a few medical appointments one which included the ever lovely, soul crushing, embarrassing woman wellness test. It’s absolutely necessary to do as you grow older but yeah, full disclosure here, they never stop getting awkward. In fact they get even moreso because you know that everyone in the room would rather be doing anything else than a pap smear. Doesn’t help when they try to shove idle conversation in there: “So any pets at home?”

Thankfully everything came back okay, but my rising blood pressure wasn’t anything to sneeze at. It’d gotten pretty high to the point where I’ll need medication so lately I’ve been tossing a lot of things out of my fridge to rid myself of any temptation to eat unhealthy food. It’s a struggle but that just means my lazy ass needs to get back into the kitchen and make some of that yummy magic~

BABIES?

During my doc visit though I did get informed about a certain condition I may have which might result in me needing to have a hysterectomy; a process where my uterus is removed completely (aka tie up my tubes) . Honestly, weighing the cons and pros within that conversation had me convinced that it was the best path to go but my doctor pressed to consider it for awhile because I am “still young” and may consider wanting children soon.

I told her I wasn’t interested in having them but that I appreciated her advice; it felt like her words were coming from a place of concern so it didn’t come across as offensive to me but what she may not understand is that I’ve a great relationship with myself that I don’t want to change. Right now, if I decide to quit my job and fly across the country to live somewhere else? Nothing holds me back from doing so.

Changing career paths, taking vacations, fulfilling my hobbies.. these are things I still wish to accomplish before I even consider bringing a new life into the world. What if I don’t want to at all? Maybe it’s because I’ve a great relationship with my niece and had the privilege to help raise her as a baby, that my needs were fulfilled as far as behaving like a mother.

That still didn’t stop others in my life having a dramatic reaction about it. Coworkers, distant family members who were informed about my possible surgery were more horrified than I was at the prospect of having a hysterectomy.

“Don’t you want children?”
“You’re still so young, maybe you aren’t sure.”
“Your babies would look so beautiful, I’d reconsider..” (this statement is problematic for more than one reason but I won’t open that can of worms just yet!)

This was a bit perplexing since .. you know, I’m not currently dating anyone and this surgery would improve my health. Who’d be taking care of my child? Me. Sure, there would be assistance when its possible but deep down, if we’re really wanting to get into the nitty gritty, it’s going to mostly be my money, resources, and sanity that will be thrown into the hectic (but I’m sure very rewarding) abyss that is motherhood. So for them to approach me with some absolute need that I HAVE to procreate comes across just a liiiiiiiiitle unfair.

So, you dating anyone yet?

Ah yes, the rite of passage into adulthood! The last time I was asked this question came from some irrelevant family member number 3847283 and I nearly imploded trying to figure out how to answer cos at first – I was pretty upset to being asked this. For some reason, people think it’s appropriate to have this question begin the let’s-catch-up conversation sandwich and they couldn’t be anymore wrong. It’s a wee bit too personal off the bat and to add, kind of insulting that your first idea of someone’s worth in status is to know who they’re currently rubbing toes with. I felt too guilty to really bring up my discomfort for being upset in the first place so I end up answering in a optimistic little mumble of “not yet! insert awkward laugh here” and then push all my energy into guiding them away from the burning carnage that was my love life.

Maybe this isn’t intentional when people ask this question but it can apply pressure and even come across as invasive to someone, especially if you’ve rarely had any contact with them. Why not bring up what sorta hobbies they’ve gotten into, pet updates, that one episode of JJK that made you cry (you know which one) – literally anything else. I mean.. I know the need to procreate and want company is probably written in our DNA or some whatever but could the real answer be that after decades of being surrounded by media that “marriage” and “being in love” is considered your peak existence, that we’re simply acting out of built in instinct?

It’s a toxic cycle that is starting to crack and hopefully within my lifetime it can be completely broken. This desire to feel wanted and to be loved can lead a person to do awful things, to someone else and also themselves. Diving headfirst into relationships that are unhealthy, falling for people who openly prey upon desperation, and suffering depression from feeling a sense of “uselessness” for not being able to get a lover or create a family.

Unfortunately, breaking that cycle was something I had to learn the hard way. All of my high school friends dated, married and had children pretty early in their lives but had zero desire to do anything else. When I met guys who were interested in me, there was a keen desperation to make them happy as their girlfriend because the idea of being attractive was in itself rare for me to believe. My self esteem was suffering as is because I was the only black girl in a small village in the south, my presence alone either scared or disgusted people. I didn’t come to realize what racism truly meant until I’d leave for the city of St. Louis when I turned twenty. So I threw myself at any interested party I could, even if they were terrible to me.

The idea of accepting a lover for “all their faults” was normal to girls like me because the adults also held those same standards. If your man hit you? Focus on what YOU did wrong and work hard to make him happy because HE must’ve been stressed. Slept with another woman? Beg him to give YOU another chance and spend hundreds of dollars on new clothes, make-up and surgery to be the “best” you for HIM. I thank the heavens everyday that I was forced to attend an alternative high school and met new people because I don’t know if I would’ve escaped this toxic mindset otherwise.

RUN, IT’S A BARREN WOMAN!

So I’m unmarried with no desire for kids- that makes me a spinster like Bridget Jones, right? When that movie came out I felt so happy at first, because my young brain thought “yaaaaaas 32 year old woman living her life cos she don’t need no man!” It was pretty funny and relatable at the time because featuring a girl who was considered “plus sized” wasn’t heard of.

The ending was positively awful though. She spends most of the movie searching for a career away from her cheating ex-boyfriend, works out to get in better shape, and gives herself confidence again – just to give it away to another man she’s known only for a few months? It felt like a smack in the face because everything she worked for just went down the drain in favor of fulfilling her destiny as a woman by “winning her man”.

I’ve read shojo and josei manga for the sake of enjoying a romantic story but even some of the more notable classics have spun some idea that all romance is ideal even if it’s not healthy by any means. Could it be that the idea of our main character becoming a ‘himono-onna’ is seen to be a more miserable fate?

A himono-onna, translated directly as “dried fish woman”, is a way to describe a woman in her late 20’s who has given up on romantic relationships, love and sex. Someone who has no intentions in having a child and wants to spend all of her hard earned money on herself. They’ve a pretty descriptive checklist to even help identify if you’re one too! How thoughtful.

• Her replies to mails are often late and quite short (because she can’t be bothered).
  I’m assuming this means text messaging? For example, if someone didn’t have a boyfriend they may not pay attention to their phones/social media as much.
• If it’s fast food, then she might eat it while standing in her kitchen.
• If she forgot something at home, she might just enter her apartment with her shoes on but move across by her knees because she’s too lazy to take off her shoes.
  This isn’t a practice westerners commonly follow but I’d say this is equivelant to women deciding to run errands without worrying about wearing a bra.
• On her day off, she won’t put on make-up.
• She probably goes to a beautician only once every 6 months.
  So this can relate to getting your hair cut, nails done, maybe getting a wax or brow job.
• During the winter months, she doesn’t shave/wax her body hair properly or doesn’t do it at all.
• She has no problem entering an izakaya all by herself.
  Izakaya is a pub/bar. So for us I’d take it a step further; a single woman given up on love may not have issues going to the bar, the movies or fair/party by herself.
• She hasn’t felt that heart-throb in a long time.
  This means something like.. you’ve not met anyone in your life who could make your heart skip a beat. Or experience any passion.

Okay so judging by this list here, I am absolutely 100% dried, salty fish. I am a salty fish lady!

Though to be fair, I barely wear make-up as is even if I’m dating someone and I wholly believe that we should become bears during the winter and do nothing but eat/stay warm with our hairy legs. We’re wearing leggings/jeans most of the time anyway!

So where did this term come from? A popular manga called Hotaru no Hikari featuring our main protagonist as an office worker who would put on a sweet, proper façade with everyone until she got home – where she’d change into her pajamas, tie her hair in a knot, knock back a beer while burping loudly.

Japan has many names for women and this is one of many, however it is looked down upon perhaps the most as compared to a bari-kyari which refers to a career woman, because this implies that you’ve given up or seen as “bad goods”. You aren’t likely to have children and therefore fail at fulfilling your duties as a woman because someone hasn’t loved you enough to propose yet.

I can’t speak for another country but I can say that while things in the States are a little more relaxed as a whole, there’s still huge amounts of pressure on women. The media wants us all to be flawless, skinny and desirable to intentionally prey on our own securities because the truth of the matter is – we all desire to be accepted and loved. Any woman who was seen as witty, independent and smart was doomed to be alone forever or become a comical side character in some god awful Lifetime movie.

…but you know what? That’s okay.

My saving grace was being an extreme introvert and watching the shows like Daria or Foamy the Squirrel. Even as all of my high school friends settled down with their first loves and started to have children, I still felt validated as a person because there was a niche in media who made me feel heard. I think it’s because of that and a very catastrophic first boyfriend experience, I can confidently say that I’m happy with being single.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing to stay focused on yourself. There’s also nothing wrong with marriage or relationships either; so long as you are pursuing a relationship for love instead of finding anyone to simply cure your loneliness, then I support you entirely. One lifestyle can’t possibly fit for every person on this earth, so it’s up to us to find out what does work and to not give up on it simply to appease the opinion of someone else, even if it’s family.

I’m turning thirty-one this year and so far I’ve turned down two marriage proposals, dated for the sake of love and for companionship, broke hearts and had mine broke too. It’s been a wild and fulfilling ride but right now, I want to focus on loving myself before giving my heart to someone else. Will love come for me? Maybe. Maybe not. For right now, leave me be to lay in my cute strawberry printed bed, dreaming of stars and playing otome games for a living.

Bonus points if ya’ll tell me what you scored on the dry fish checklist! Did you guys score as high as I did?

With Love,
Bonne.